The Ancient Art of Driving

Like the episode of “Sex and the City” where the ladies discuss the virtue of a “Brazilian” wax job upon their nether regions, I realize that a meticulously maintained detailing of one’s car does confer upon the driver a fresh, clean feeling that just feels more aerodynamic as my car slices through the air.

One must remember that cleanliness also improves fuel economy.

Does my car attract yours like flowers attracts bees?  Do you think that by pulling that much farther into the parking space and nudging my car’s bumper that it will prevent your own ass end from being exposed to drive-by damage?  The spiderweb cracks on my nose and butt tell me that people would rather collide gently with me than deal with your phantom fear of a collision that never occurs.  I guess when you share the road with the selfish and the assinine, it’s hard to enjoy nice things.

Argh! The sound of my rims rubbing roughly against a concrete corner!!!

Perspective.

When a mountain biker eats turf and bends a wheel, they leap up happily, bloodied and unrepentant, ready to enhance their transport by replacing the broken parts with higher quality components.

Similarly, when a thing is broken, even if it is treasured, one should not look at this as a problem — but as an opportunity.

Bling, bling!

Forgive the almost off-topic leaning, but please, if you have a huge engine and it makes a lot of noise, don’t sit in one place and gun it just because you can, especially near where a film crew is working; they’ll want to kill you.

When an emergency vehicle goes by, realize that traveling the wake of such a vehicle, while reprehensible on some level, may be necessary to make progress. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to treat an ambulance as my pace car?”

Black on yellow text says the exit ramp is to be taken at thirty miles per hour.

With new tires, I know I can do twice as well!

Using your wireless bluetooth headset makes it legal to talk on your cell phone while driving.

However, dialing while driving is akin to drunken driving — so use voice dialing whenever possible, as a driver controls the car with his hands, not his mouth.

Drunk dialing while driving is never good.

Three left turns do not always equal a right turn because of overpasses, bridges, and ramps.

When you go the wrong way, embark upon the alternate path in patience.