The Ancient Art of Driving

A true pimp looks fast even when he’s not moving.

Northern Virginia’s traffic is legendary. Driving around Los Angeles and New York during rush hour is preferable to being stuck on the Washington, D.C. Beltway in Virginia.

Perhaps the reason everyone drives slowly is because of draconian enforcement of the speed limit.

Or perhaps they drive slowly because there are so many incompetent drivers who can’t seem to drive at the optimal speed to keep traffic flowing . All too often, a row of slow moving cars creates “slugs” of traffic that bog down the entire inner loop of the Beltway in Virginia.

Doesn’t this seem ironic? Traffic is caused by incompetent slow drivers. Yet law enforcement can only penalize someone who drives with purpose, who is moving at a pace that helps optimize the flow of traffic.

Perhaps we should ticket people for bad driving, not aggressive driving.

Perhaps we should ticket people for driving so slow, in the fast lane, that their vehicle becomes a hazard to folks around them.

As a friend once pointed out, aggressive drivers are usually responding to incompetent drivers.

Maybe Virginia should consider this when trying to legislate safety on the roads that are already so congested that one can only hope to have an opportunity to exceed the posted speed limit!

78 in a 30.

48 in a 30.

Does anyone really drive 30 miles per hour?

Luckily for me, the law enforcement officers are kind and recognize that one need not have a lead foot to exceed thirty smiles per hour…

When 1st gear in your car can get you to 45 mph, shifting to second is sure to earn a warning from the local constable when traveling in a 30mph zone.

Like the episode of “Sex and the City” where the ladies discuss the virtue of a “Brazilian” wax job upon their nether regions, I realize that a meticulously maintained detailing of one’s car does confer upon the driver a fresh, clean feeling that just feels more aerodynamic as my car slices through the air.

One must remember that cleanliness also improves fuel economy.

Does my car attract yours like flowers attracts bees?  Do you think that by pulling that much farther into the parking space and nudging my car’s bumper that it will prevent your own ass end from being exposed to drive-by damage?  The spiderweb cracks on my nose and butt tell me that people would rather collide gently with me than deal with your phantom fear of a collision that never occurs.  I guess when you share the road with the selfish and the assinine, it’s hard to enjoy nice things.

Argh! The sound of my rims rubbing roughly against a concrete corner!!!

Perspective.

When a mountain biker eats turf and bends a wheel, they leap up happily, bloodied and unrepentant, ready to enhance their transport by replacing the broken parts with higher quality components.

Similarly, when a thing is broken, even if it is treasured, one should not look at this as a problem — but as an opportunity.

Bling, bling!