The Ancient Art of Driving

Forgive the almost off-topic leaning, but please, if you have a huge engine and it makes a lot of noise, don’t sit in one place and gun it just because you can, especially near where a film crew is working; they’ll want to kill you.

When an emergency vehicle goes by, realize that traveling the wake of such a vehicle, while reprehensible on some level, may be necessary to make progress. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to treat an ambulance as my pace car?”

Black on yellow text says the exit ramp is to be taken at thirty miles per hour.

With new tires, I know I can do twice as well!

Using your wireless bluetooth headset makes it legal to talk on your cell phone while driving.

However, dialing while driving is akin to drunken driving — so use voice dialing whenever possible, as a driver controls the car with his hands, not his mouth.

Drunk dialing while driving is never good.

Three left turns do not always equal a right turn because of overpasses, bridges, and ramps.

When you go the wrong way, embark upon the alternate path in patience.

To go fast avoids delays, frustration, and the unnecessary burning of fossil fuels. However, one must go fast only when safe (e.g., no ice or rain, car problems, intoxication). War kills some, cars kill more. A wise driver goes fast, within their skill, and with caution the guide. Drive always as if your car is invisible and all others drivers are drunk.

To minimize usage, insure proper tire inflation, regular oil changes and the like. To minimize embarrassment, do not eat the bean burrito.

The leftmost lane ought to be the fastest, for that is its purpose.

That said, these rules will help you navigate through traffic quickly and efficiently, while hopefully avoiding tickets…

When confronted with a turn, avoid the inside lane: for a left turn, this means avoiding the left lane. Drivers of lesser skill will slow down far too much and overcompensate for the turn, even in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Use the ramps that join your road to bypass the slow and the inept. That said, remember to move not one, but two lanes over when the ramp joins the main artery. When lanes end, traffic begins. You want to avoid that congestion.

The practical speed limit is ten miles per hour over the posted speed limit. Always go as fast as you can while remaining aware of the presence of the police. If you want to do triple digits, be prepared to pay the consequences.

Always look in the distance to watch the taillights of cars; if there is no traffic and you see drivers slowing down unexpectedly, it typically means that there is a speed trap.