The Ancient Art of Driving

To minimize usage, insure proper tire inflation, regular oil changes and the like. To minimize embarrassment, do not eat the bean burrito.

The leftmost lane ought to be the fastest, for that is its purpose.

That said, these rules will help you navigate through traffic quickly and efficiently, while hopefully avoiding tickets…

When confronted with a turn, avoid the inside lane: for a left turn, this means avoiding the left lane. Drivers of lesser skill will slow down far too much and overcompensate for the turn, even in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Use the ramps that join your road to bypass the slow and the inept. That said, remember to move not one, but two lanes over when the ramp joins the main artery. When lanes end, traffic begins. You want to avoid that congestion.

The practical speed limit is ten miles per hour over the posted speed limit. Always go as fast as you can while remaining aware of the presence of the police. If you want to do triple digits, be prepared to pay the consequences.

Always look in the distance to watch the taillights of cars; if there is no traffic and you see drivers slowing down unexpectedly, it typically means that there is a speed trap.

Lefter is Faster. Any other way leads to pain.

Corvette owners, upon encountering each other on the open road, demonstrate agility by driving with one hand while waving to each other.

Jeep owners, upon seeing another Jeep on the road, raise a single pointer finger in a sublime act of recognition.

These are two of the protocols of those who drive — It is my hope that we will build a catalog of all the ways one may avoid automotive barbarism and conduct one’s self in a civilized manner when meeting with a like-minded enthusiast.

Power-to-weight wins the day, except when your passenger’s hands dig through your jacket and in to your ribcage, so that she can grip your spine while you attempt to set a new land speed record on a motorcycle.

What is the point of racing when your babe on board won’t possibly let you win?

Try not to lose sight of life while speeding to somewhere else.

A friend of mine once heard from a woman that 1-4-3 means “I love you”.

That is simply not true.

1-4-3 is only important because it is a speed I maintained on I-95 going to John & Channa’s wedding with that selfsame friend in my car.

That is the only legitimate correlation I see between 1-4-3 and love.

At 143 miles per hour, you realize that if you’re pulled over, the officer won’t even ask you if you know how fast you were going.

At 143 miles per hour, cars moving at 70 miles per hour look as if they are standing still. The slow guy doing 55 mph looks like he’s in reverse.

At 143 miles per hour, your eyes will focus farther towards the horizon because any possible impediment to your progress could carry dire consequences.

At 143 mph you become conscious of changes in the texture of the road, and you become very conscious that tires are mostly air with a very thin layer of rubber. You become aware that “feeling” the road is important as you lay into that gentle turn that suddenly feels like you’re taking a turn at LeMans.

At 143 miles per hour you can feel the traffic around you. You don’t just look ahead of you — you perceive everything around you with a completeness of vision thrust upon you by the awareness that you are moving at “Oh-my-God!”-speed.

At 143 miles per hour, you make it to the wedding on time.

The turn signal is a gift from the Universe that allows one to express intention without complication. It’s proper use is divine.